an open letter to the members of SE. so shoot me.
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Aug. 10th, 2006 | 12:27 pm
location: Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania
music: this boy (the beatles)
Scratch that. You all can read it and make of it what you will.
For starters, I have been where you are, in some sense, before. Last year, someone that I considered myself very close to decided to cut me out of her life in a similar manner, by stopping replies to all emails and changing her journal name without telling me. So I speak from personal experience when I say it isn't that big of a deal. Yes, it hurts. It hurts a lot when you realize that someone that you were once close to doesn't want to be friends with you. But you guys at least had warning. You've had warning since at least May. At least. If you had put two and two together, you would have realized that this was coming from a long time ago. And, you're going to hate me for saying so, but in some ways, you deserved this.
I guess it all started in January, when Raphie decided to do some incredibly violent plot at Incertitude, which I willingly admit may have been a bit over the top, of which S disapproved. Not, I believe, that she had much of a place to. It only affected Raphie's characters, not S's, and the other people whom it affected (me, mostly) had already given her the go-ahead. Yes, it was disturbing, but that's life. S thought it would be appropriate to yell at Raphie and stop talking to her until Raphie ran all of her plots by S, to make sure they were appropriate. Put her on probabation, so to speak. Raphie was reluctant but agreed. This was the beginning of her beginning to feel controlled by S. Meanwhile, S began to start dating Joel, which all of us were okay with at first, but will figure in eventually.
At the same time, at SE, Raphie was dealing with Line and Lissa. Now, I don't feel as though I am in a place to have a personal beef with either of these girls, or anyone at SE, actually, because they've never been anything but nice to me. Or, well, reasonable to me. I can't say that I was met with extreme friendliness there, but I didn't really expect to be, so I'm okay with that. Line, in case you did not know, can be demanding and self-absorbed. She was constantly bugging Raphie to play with her, and she got seriously offended if your characters didn't get along with her pet character, Blaise. Blaise was mostly a vehicle for Line to worship her best friend, Lissa, through her character, Theodore. Apparently Line and Lissa were having
As I mentioned previously, S and Raphie were quite close at this time. They had been playing and talking together for more than half a year and pretty much openly admitted that they had things for each other. S, as I also mentioned previously, had recently gotten a boyfriend, whom she honestly at the time did not seem that interested in, so things were still okay. However, in February(ish), it came out in the open that there was stupid crush/backstabbing stuff not really worthy of explaining going on between Line and Evy, which hurt S emensely, because S was close to Evy. Raphie felt alienated by this, too, because S went to pretty strong means to control her and always commented that she worried Raphie loved other people more than her. Raphie felt that her very strong, almost worshipful feelings for Evy were a touch on the hypocritical side. So did I, to be honest, but I didn't say anything because, well, we all do hypocritical things from time to time, and I was on friendly terms with both S and Evy. As far as I am concerned, they are free to be close.
Then, S began to get closer to Joel, and Raphie and S's relationship became more and more strained. By spring, S and Joel were having sex, which Raphie honestly did not want to hear about. It flaired up her jealousy, and S made her feel as though she did not have the right to be jealous, even though S was extremely jealous and suspicious of Raphie's relationships with other people, especially myself and Moni. Basically, Raphie felt that S was being a hypocrite, and started to become more and more annoyed. S started spending more time out with Joel, which consequently made it harder for them to bond, which made Raphie more annoyed, all while constantly putting up with Line/Lissa stuff. She was fed up. Her attempts to stick up for herself weren't working. She wanted a break from SE, partially because she had a lot going on in RL, and said so and stopped posting. She got comments on her LJ demanding that she return and whining emails in return.
By this summer, she was sick of Line and Lissa. She was sick of S's jealousy and then turning around and doing things which made her jealous and her calling her interest in anime stupid and then rambling constantly about Doctor Who and Supernatural. She was sick of playing at SE, because she felt that her characters were just toys to help get off the other huge egos in the game. Instead of causing the huge drama that saying, "I'm leaving you all and I don't want to talk to you again," would have stirred up, she decided to leave. Quietly. She changed her email, her livejournal, and blocked all of SE from her screen names. This was, in part, due to the fact that she felt as though, if she were to attempt to say good-bye, she wouldn't have been allowed to, would have kept being sucked back in. I can see where she was coming from there. And you SE people are all understandably upset.
Maybe it's easy for me to defend what she did because I'm still friends with her. Because I have been watching her frustration for the past eight months and she put on a relatively happy face for all of you. But I don't think that what she did was the worst thing ever. Yes, you might compare what happened her to what happened with me and Malu, hell, I even did. But I don't think that's a fair comparison, because, unlike you, I did nothing to deserve that ditching. You did. Whether or not this was the best way to handle being mistreated... well, that's subjective. But she didn't do it out of spite. She did it for herself, and I applaud her for getting out of that. It's easy for me to stay at SE because I'm honestly not as emotionally invested as she was, or any of you are. Yes, I've been playing there for a year, but you guys, for the most part, have never been very open to me. I am very aware of my status as Raphie's friend. Now that Raphie's gone, that may make me a target, but whatever.
That all said, I don't have any place to hate you, and I did not say this to intend to hurt you. I know that, like I once did, you need to come to some sort of understanding as to why and how someone can just cut you loose. Like it or not, it happens all the time. If we knew each other in person, she would have just stopped answering your calls. Easy as that. It happens. Life goes on. You have to accept that if someone doesn't want you in their life, then you can't pull them back.
Yes, you can hate her. You don't have to forgive her, because she doesn't want to be forgiven by you. She is perfectly at terms with what she did. She actually thinks the fact that you hate her so much kind of funny... why don't you just move on and realize that she doesn't care for you anymore? You can even hate me for pointing out all of the things that you did wrong. I didn't do it out of hate. I don't hate any of you. In fact, I do care for some of you, you probably know who you are, and I don't want to hurt you. The rest of you whom I was never close to... I am passive towards you. I neither love nor hate you, therefore, I have no intent to hurt you. I could say much more hurtful things that would be equally honest, but I'm not going to, because that would be unnecessary.
I can understand that, after reading this, you wouldn't want me around. But the purpose in this wasn't to win you over, it was to basically bash you over the head. Raphie is gone, she never coming back, and she doesn't want your forgiveness. If you can understand that, you will stop hurting. Also, making cryptic posts about 'her' all the time doesn't help, either. Say it once, get it out, and move on with your life. That's what I did, and look at me. I'm okay.
I think I have always been the most reasonable person at SE, and I think that's part of why I don't belong there. If you want to ask me to leave your game and defriend me and stop talking to me, that's okay. I understand. I am, after all, a connection to her. It took me quite some time to open up to the idea that connections to Malu were not Malu herself, and to come to terms with loving people who she is close to. I honestly don't know if all of you are mature enough for that, which may sound rich to you worldly college students coming from a seventeen year old girl. But I honestly do think I'm more mature than you, because I see this situation for what it is.
All of that said, I'd prefer not to have to move my journal, too, seeing as I've been here at the_andorran for almost four years, so please try to keep evil commenting to a minium.